Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a womanwho fears the Lord is to be praised.”(Proverbs 31:30 NIV)

Where is  the lie ?

Revealing the deception

They say “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.”  And perhaps it is correct to some degree.  But as I am sure many men, especially, will agree with me, there are those individuals whose beauty seams more universally acceptable or rather beheld. For the most part however, society and culture have dictated and socialized physical  attractiveness by  reducing it mainly to three general aspects namely; facial symmetry, proportionate body part distribution, and non verbal cues like facial expressions, body language and sent.  

Those of the more scientific persuasion have even come up with a rationalization of physical attraction calling it evolutionary psychology.  This factor, as discussed by Sajana Gupta, a health expert writer and editor, suggests that since people are physically attracted for the purpose of getting mates, evolutionary factors contribute significantly to what people consider attractive. In her article, Gupta argued  that;

  “Evolutionary psychology studies note that certain physical features and dimensions are considered physically attractive since those are desirable qualities in a mate from a biological and reproductive standpoint. Such characteristics include: Youthfulness, Physical health,Mental and emotional well-being,Strength, Fertility”

We can see that the “beholder” of beauty and beauty itself, much as it has been romanticized, are not always what we tend to think they are.  The more subtle nuances dictated by societal, cultural and natural selection factors present a much grander challenge on what we understand beauty and attractiveness to be. 

Believing the lie 

My fall from Grace 

As a young man, I struggled to define for myself what beauty is. I found myself attracted to a spectrum of young ladies from different walks of life, with wildly distinct  physical , social and culture variables.  I too was charting my own path and what about me was attractive to them.  In this uncertainty, hearts were broken ( both theirs and my own), egos were bruised and pride was hurt.  You see, believing that I was the beholder in whose eyes lay beauty meant that my socialization, my cultural leanings and my physiological make up defined, dictated and determined for me who I should be attracted to.  It put me right smack at the center of the valley of decision where my heart was at the mercy of a beauty, or where a beauty was at the mercy of my heart.   I got into relationships, situationships and  “understandings” that I had no business getting into all for the sake of being the beholder! 

I discovered quickly that beauty is fleeting because it kept  shifting goal posts. One day it is the pretty smile , the other day, it’s the kind gesture. One moment it’s the pretty doe eyes, the other it’s the look of intense desire. It was hard to pin point a universal description of beauty and given the fleetingness of socialized attraction, it didn’t take much to see why I observed and experienced intense, passionate “can’t live without you”  type of feelings of attraction one minute, and a nonchalant,  distant ,  Indifferent response to the same beauty the next .  Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder ? Really? The rabbit holes one can go down are innumerable! Whose beauty ? Which eyes? What is beholding? Do I see right ? Who determines what beauty is to behold ? Can I trust my beholding skills? 

But what if I told you that both the statement and it’s intended meaning have been a long standing lie that has led a great many married couples  to their detriment. What if “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder” can be reclaimed for immutable Truth.  What if beauty isn’t what we have always known it to be. What if the “beholder” is not you? 

As I started out in ministry as an apprentice to my then youth pastor, I had aspirations and desires to please God by serving him within the context of the church as a full time minister. I had finally found my purpose and calling and was going for it no matter the cost.  

As a result of this passion, I realized that the relationship in which I was at that time was pulling me in a different direction so I had to end it.  

I immediately looked for someone else that would suit my needs and was esthetically pleasing.  It didn’t take too long before I was in another relationship and this time everyone at my church admired my choice.  She was attractive and we seemed to have similar interests.  But the darker underlying current was an unholy sexual attraction that all mistook for the “I can’t live without you” type love.  It was pure idolatry masked in a relationship and Sanitized by our Chriatian proclivities.  

Physical attraction was paramount in this relationship and because it mattered so, nothing else mattered as much… not even our personal devotion to God.  All our celibate ideals and the notions of  purity were thrown out and replaced by pure raw passionate and unchecked desire for each other. It was at this point that our Christianity kicked in to “invite God” into our relationship.  The truth is that he had not been Lord over us… only a consultant.  

Needless to say, it didn’t end well.  It ended as publicly as it started, seeing as I was a public figure- a pastor moreover! So, many people thought I had lost a good thing and some could have said it to my face with little grace if they got the chance. It was a general consensus in that community that what we had was what was desirable for all and so a break up was devastating not just for us as a couple but the community I was serving.  They had idolized our relationship as the standard for all pursuing love. 

Confronting the lie

the rescue mission 

It was in this place, where my heart was broken, my ego was crushed and my pride was swallowed that the Lord visited me. My very being felt like it had gone through a shredder. I had been crushed under the rubble of a collapsed and weighty relationship and what was left of this beating heart cried aloud to God like Johnah in the Belly of the fish. “…In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry.” (Jonah 2:2 NIV)

For the first time in  a long time, a time of one relationship after another, , I finally had peace. I was stripped of all I held on to for significance, approval and meaning.  I was delivered from the deception of romance and the delusion of fleeting beauty I was under.  For the first time I delighted in more than what this world or any woman could offer me.  I began to actually experience , like Paul the apostle, a contentment beyond what my strength could conjure. The proverbial peace of God transcending human Understanding had finally birthed a newness of spirit and soul in me. 

My hopes and dreams, my desires  and  anticipations were refashioned and reordered. I had a new heart, as it were!  I was a new creature with new affections, redefined passions and deeper longings than I could have ever imagined. 

Saving Truth Bombs

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”(Psalms 37:4 NIV)

It was in this renewed heart posture that epiphanies, revelations and certainties live. For as long as my heart beat for what God’s heart beat, I was bound to see beyond what had always been before me.  I was once blinded by my own iniquity but now , I could see ever so clearly. 

Then I saw her face! Now I am a believer ! (Cue music).  Don’t get me wrong, her face and body are the kind that a universally agreed upon as “Hot”.  She had been in my circles  this whole time, but what I beheld as beauty and charm previously couldn’t allow me to witness this glory before my eyes.  Her beauty went beyond elaborate hair styles, jewelry or a seductive  personality. Hers was that of “ inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”(1 Peter 3:4 NIV). I finally understood that make up went beyond the physical appearance.  One could adorn her spirit and heart in such a way that it shines the beauty of God’s light eclipsing, every other kind of beauty. This beauty is eternal and worth more than any treasure known in the world. 

A man that finds such beauty has found a good thing. He has obtained favour from God and is enviable by all.  By God’s mercy and in his grace, I, even I, have experienced this beauty and it is most attractive! Imaginary Tears fill my eyes every time I think of this rescue, not even from my exes or my past,  but from my own fall from grace.

The final Analysis 

What then shall we say? Physical attraction is a natural response to esthetically pleasing stimulus. We must not expend unnecessary  energies on fleeting  appearances and deceptive demeanors but rather invest in attributes of eternal value.  Physical attraction is the God-made, inbuilt mechanism that draws people together so that they may find beyond that attraction an internal beauty.  

As Christians, We do well to lean into that unfading beauty and shine a light on it so much so  that those who are blinded by frivolous, misguided beliefs on what is attractive  will see the light and praise the Father in heaven. For after all, this must be our grandest delight; to behold the beauty of his glory ( Psalms 27:1)