It has been indeed Quite a while since i wrote. I had a bit of Writer’s block and i figured it was time for me to recollect myself and find some inspiration before I came back. Well, I guess I am back. 

For the most part, inspiration isn’t one you quickly come into.. and even if one did, it isn’t easy to put in words.  I have met sooo many people, witnessed amazing events and been apart of extraordinary beginnings.  Today, and the on coming traffic in blogging heading your way, I am going to be pouring my heart and thoughts about some of the things i have been reminiscing about. 

I fell in love, I sang a ton more, I traveled, I lead a team, I cut my hair, and i learnt so much about myself. I have mead great leaps into the discovery of who I am. I am going to share a bit of that today. 

For the longest time, I had no opinion of my own. It may have been because of my position as a first born that I was an experiment, or that I was always an approval seeker, or that I never thought my opinion or ideas amounted to anything. It always seemed like I tailed the class and in my books..especially in those days, if you tailed, you didn’t have a say in life! All my friends were brilliant, charming and had a way with words that confirmed I did better listening and not opening my mouth… EVER.. for whatever reason! 

So I kept telling myself to be on the peripherals of all things brilliant.
“Just look the part and you will be fine” i told myself. So I made sure my shirts were as white as the next best guy, I walked like the coolest guy would, and raised my brow like the swagger dude would do it! I tried it all… and as sure as day, it all slapped me right in the face. I was either over zealous or an under performer! And I mean in all places…atleast for me. No complement ever meant more than just a simple polite gesture because whoever gave it was obviously way better than myself! I took no pleasure in believing what they kept telling me! It made me feel like iI had lied to myself long enough and they had all started believing the lie! 

I had lost all but myself! And I didn’t like him either! Now don’t get me wrong! I was already a Christian. Christianity was the only thing that was making sense of my sorry situation. So I clung and held on for the day of redemption.. coz you see… it is the only promise that could stop me from ending it all. And yes… I did try ending it all. 

So, to the Lord I cried. To the God who’s perfection, for some strange reason, I was comfortable with, I cried night and day for a time I will be a somebody! Night and day I talked to Him about my frustrations, my pain, my loneliness and all the while, how I never could understand why i felt that way, especially with what I had going for me! I have a good home. A loving family, that was filled with laughter and sweet song. I had a hope, that not too many children my age had. I had privileges that our neighbors couldn’t even smell into. So what was wrong!? 

It took me all of 10 or so years to begin to figure it all out. You see, I let myself live in the shadow of others either by will or demonic persuasion.. i don’t know… but I found myself bound by my own thoughts of myself! Boy, was that a lot of me! I sabotaged myself by looking at everyone else I thought was better than me and convincing myself I was worthless! I kept going, though.. I kept Hoping… I kept trying to unearth the purpose for my existence! Why was God enduring my living? i felt it caused more pain to those around me and to him! I never thought I could get anything right! I thought I was always a disappointment to my parents and to myself! What could this perfect God want with me???
 

That Last question… that is what kept me going…that is what lead me to an answer…when all the while I was looking for solutions to solve my life problem( notice i didn’t say my life’s problem) 
What could this perfect God possibly want with me? When It hit me that i recognized him as PERFECT and that He WANTED me, that was it! That was all I needed to start the journey! 

Over the years, i have come to a great knowledge of who God has been to me through it all! I have no doubt in my heart that He exists. Even through my quest for knowledge and my interactions with those whose faith went cold, He has set a fire in me that ever so burns with the knowledge of His realness in my life! i am persuaded by all that he brought me through that he is greater than I could ever imagine and that everything will be understood with TIME! 

So I waited… I still wait…. upon a promise of his return…. I wait on the redemption of his own, I wait on the fulfillment of prophesy… I wait on the eternal and perfect Justice…. i wait for the Return of a King! 

In the mean time, my life has more meaning now than i could have ever imagined! i have reason to peruse goodness and to live right! I have reason to search for knowledge and be free of all that held me back! I now can be a somebody and believe it! I have an opinion that I believe matters! I have just met the real me! And boy am I going to get to know him as God intended! 

Not everything is crystal clear. Not everything makes sense… in fact more times than not, i find myself complaining to God about all the chaos He is doing nothing about, both in my little world and in the universe at large! But to be fair, there is only so much my mind can take in at a time… and I have just started! I love it!