For the longest time in my life, I have known myself to be a safe guy. I play it safe, I go it safe, I keep it safe, I stay a safe distance … Its all been safe with me! I kept it this way and for the life of me, I never could figure out why… but it bothered me nonetheless! . Adventure was just one of those words I found alien in my books. Risks were a forbidden phenomenon. One taken by fools with no future to plan for.
And so went my story. One with no adventure, no risk, no gamble and no danger of any foreseeable kind! Part of it had to do with the way I was brought up, but really most of it, was my fear of the unknown. I blamed everyone and everything for what I had become and how bleak my future looked… It was until one fateful day when all I knew had gone dark and lifeless. A day when I turned my face to the demons I had run from all my life.
All my life I feared what was behind me… I dreaded what was ahead of me… I only knew what was right there and that is what I was confortable with. ..
The day I fell in love changed everything. It turned my world upside down and I was as it were, crazy! The uncertainty of my present shredded all I had hung on to be right. Before I Knew it, I had taken the biggest risk of all. I had gambled my heart in the name of Love. Gave it to someone other than myself.
The danger was real and apparent. My comfort and my way had flat lined and I was in a time of a different kind.
As you would have it, My heart was broken. Very broken. The risk and the danger and the gamble had served their purpose. They ripped me apart and gave no apology. At the back of my mind, so far deep… I searched for answers but otiose regurgitations were the only responses. I looked deep within my heart for consolation but hopeless brokenness, tattered emotions and utter emptiness were all there was. I couldn’t find it in me, anywhere in me, to bring my self together. All my strength had fled me… Weakness took over.
I was the forlorn figure I had dreaded from a distance those many years back. I had finally become that which I despised and dreaded. I had nothing more to loose.
It was in that moment that my life began to take a turn. I stopped looking at the pain and the hopelessness of how helpless I was. It was in that moment that the celestial was appealing. To see a power beyond but within!
You see, somewhere in my sub conscience was pressed eternal words, locked in the disarrays of my own humanity. Words of courage, strength and power; Words of dominion and authority! I also knew that though these words were somewhere on the inside of me, they came not from within. These were alien to all things human. It is only the greatest weakness of humanity, that a strength… a power beyond it is apprehended. As was my fate, love was the hummer that crushed my humanity… love was what opened my eyes.
Fairy tale stories paint love all rainbows and butterflies…but in my story, this was hardly the case. I saw a whole other spectrum. One only the Celestial’s eyes would see for me.
Beauty and glory bared by pain and despair! Strength and courage unveiled by fear and shame! Power and authority displayed by weakness and cowardice!
As you can imagine, in no way can the highest intellectual aptitude unlock these treasures without looking beyond its own propensity to achieve new heights. There is only so much the mind can take before humanity slowly disintegrates into total psychosis… absolute insanity.
The brains have the capacity to retain all this knowledge, scientist tell us. Well and good. Processing it is a whole other ball game. And finally interpreting it takes on a different kind of strength. Beyond this, one has got to engage a strength outside his own. For me to accept love as the sledge hummer and make it my sole resolution to live by, I knew no way else. I was at my wits end and all my humanity had come to an end….
And then I loved again! I loved more fiercely! I loved bravely!
I loved humbly!
It was new and different.
And my story begins…
This is life. A breaking and mending…